{jude francis}

This was written early in December and as I've been able to process all of this, I feel like I'm ready to post it.  Thank you friends and family for your love.  It makes the good times even better and it helps us not lose hope and joy in the hard times.  Much love...it's good to be back, Sara

In early October, we found out we were pregnant.  Just to answer a frequent question.....Yes, it was planned.  Yes, we know that we already have three children 4 and under.  Yes, we know our life is already crazy and we're moving to another state and Mark's changing jobs and on and on.  We know.  This pregnancy was planned just like the rest of our pregnancies.

This pregnancy started out just like the others....throwing up... A LOT and super tired.  This is the sign of a healthy pregnancy for me and my doctors know that by now. :)  So I puked my way through the first trimester and Mark picked up the slack at home.  Despite all that, we were happy and excited to announce yet another pregnancy in our Christmas card.  Christmas cards went out early this year because we are moving in a few short weeks.

On Wednesday, December 2, I went to a routine check up.  The doctor and I were joking about me being so nauseous and he said I was measuring a bit ahead of my 15 week calculations.  He informed me that those two things together are sometimes a sign of multiples and we laughed.  He and his wife just had their fifth child and are open to more....so we've had conversations about how our views of children are a bit different than some of society....and the "you must be Catholic jokes".  Yes, yes we are. :)  He was struggling to find a heartbeat, which is not abnormal during my pregnancies because usually my placenta is towards the front, so I didn't think much of it.  He brought in another doctor to do the ultrasound and as I was laying on the table I could tell something wasn't right.  The doctor told me he was having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat and that he saw no fetal movement.  He told me he was very afraid that my baby was dead.  Mark and I went to radiology for a more in depth ultrasound and they confirmed our fears.  Their estimation was that the baby stopped developing at 14 weeks 1 day.  After discussing with our doctors, we decided to deliver the baby the next day.

Jude Francis Jarding was born at 7:54 PM on Thursday, December 3rd.  He weighed .8 ounces and was 5 inches long.  He had all of his fingers and toes, fit in my hand and looked like a smaller version of the rest of my babies.  It was incredible.  I held him for awhile and then Mark held him.  I watched him rock back and forth with him like I have seen him do with our three other kids a million times.  Make no mistake.  We had a baby.  He may not have taken a breath in this world, but he was a baby.

The hospital did an incredible job of making us feel comfortable.  They gave us the right amount of space and care.  We had time to talk and time to grieve.  They called a priest and he came to pray with us and gave a blessing to Jude.  During the blessing, both of our doctors and the nurse prayed with us.  They, just like us, believed that this was a life.  This was a baby.  This baby's short life has meaning.

This is my fifth pregnancy.  Second miscarriage. My first miscarriage was earlier on in the pregnancy and we never got to meet that baby.  Delivering Jude, naming him {St. Jude, patron saint of hope}, and meeting him gave us a lot of closure.  We are hurting, but we are hopeful.  I am not angry at God nor do I blame this on anyone.  I have a peace about this.  I know that God sees the bigger picture and I trust him.  I have hugged my kids a little tighter since I've been home from the hospital.  We are blessed.  We have a great life and we are thankful for that.  While I have a peace about this, my heart still physically hurts.  Just like anything else I have grieved, I know this will come in waves.  Some days it will hurt more than others.  But I can't help but smile when I think about Mark's dad sitting up in heaven surrounded by these baby angels.  He loved being a grandparent just about more than anything.  He said he'd be waiting on a bench for Margaret, but the bench is getting pretty full! :)

Thank you friends and family for your prayers.  We feel them.  We know that is why we feel at peace.  We know that is why our children who do not understand are starting to feel a peace about it, too.  We are blessed by you and your love.