Dear friends....please tell me I am not alone when I say that I hate moving to a new place. Yes, I love the opportunity we have here in Sioux Falls and yes, I know it is the best thing for our family in the long run, but gosh darn it, it sucks right now. The kids remind me daily that we have no friends. Every time we leave somewhere where there are other kids, Kolbe reminds us that we didn't make friends there. Being new is hard. Factor in that we moved to Siberia, it's the middle of winter, and there is no Chik-fil-A here, and it's a recipe for loneliness. The kids are old enough to miss our old friends...and to constantly remind me that we DID have friends at our old house but we DON'T have any here.
If you can't tell, I've been having a bit of a pity party for the past few days. Momming is hard. I don't care if you're a working mom, a stay at home mom, a single mom, a mom that has a great/helpful/hot husband (like me), if you have one child or ten. It's hard. Mom guilt is real. Today Kolbe told me that I probably shouldn't be a mom. I wanted to say, "You know, that thought has crossed my mind on some pretty bad days, too." I've gone from one extreme of thinking that we lost Jude because I can't handle these three kids that I have, to the other extreme of thinking that he would have been so lucky to join our family. It's hard. And it's harder when you're still working to build up your local "tribe".
Don't get me wrong, I know I have a great tribe, but the number of them that are a short five to ten minute drive away are few. The tribe to military spouses is so huge. When we moved to Offutt, I knew there were lots of other moms out there in my same spot. Recently moved. Needed some friends. Had some kids. So I wasn't afraid to put myself out there, because I knew that these mommas were in my shoes, too. But it's different when you're in the civilian world. Most people are settled. They have been for awhile. They are comfortable and have a circle of friends. Now I'm searching, but I don't want to seem desperate. So I'm laying low. Observing. Trying to see who is going to be in my tribe.
I'm looking for that friend that I can do nothing with. Just sit and drink Pepsi or Sweet Tea with and say nothing, but still have the best time. Or talking about major things and being completely honest because we know there is no judgement. This friendship is so easy. We agree on major issues and have a ton of things in common. I'm looking for that friend who has kids the same age as me and also stays home. She understands the importance of sitting at one of our houses and letting our kids destroy it and not care because we are talking to another adult and our kids have someone to play with besides their siblings, so they aren't bothering us. I'm looking for that friend who can watch the kids at a moment's notice and I can do the same for her. There are so many things that come up and taking three kids sometimes isn't an option. I'm looking for a workout partner. Someone to challenge me to get better everyday and to show my kids that a healthy lifestyle is important....and she knows that exercise is my drug. She knows that I need that sweat session to be the best momma, friend, sister, wife, everything that I am.
Even just reading that back to myself, those are some big shoes. I know there isn't one person who can fill all of those things, and just like in the past, this tribe will be my support system, and I'll find it eventually, but I'm missing my old tribe right now. That's all.
Here's hoping for nicer weather, some new friends, and less fighting from the kids {ok the last one is a stretch.....}.
Lots of love dear friends...and thanks for reading.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
{jude francis}
This was written early in December and as I've been able to process all of this, I feel like I'm ready to post it. Thank you friends and family for your love. It makes the good times even better and it helps us not lose hope and joy in the hard times. Much love...it's good to be back, Sara
In early October, we found out we were pregnant. Just to answer a frequent question.....Yes, it was planned. Yes, we know that we already have three children 4 and under. Yes, we know our life is already crazy and we're moving to another state and Mark's changing jobs and on and on. We know. This pregnancy was planned just like the rest of our pregnancies.
This pregnancy started out just like the others....throwing up... A LOT and super tired. This is the sign of a healthy pregnancy for me and my doctors know that by now. :) So I puked my way through the first trimester and Mark picked up the slack at home. Despite all that, we were happy and excited to announce yet another pregnancy in our Christmas card. Christmas cards went out early this year because we are moving in a few short weeks.
On Wednesday, December 2, I went to a routine check up. The doctor and I were joking about me being so nauseous and he said I was measuring a bit ahead of my 15 week calculations. He informed me that those two things together are sometimes a sign of multiples and we laughed. He and his wife just had their fifth child and are open to more....so we've had conversations about how our views of children are a bit different than some of society....and the "you must be Catholic jokes". Yes, yes we are. :) He was struggling to find a heartbeat, which is not abnormal during my pregnancies because usually my placenta is towards the front, so I didn't think much of it. He brought in another doctor to do the ultrasound and as I was laying on the table I could tell something wasn't right. The doctor told me he was having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat and that he saw no fetal movement. He told me he was very afraid that my baby was dead. Mark and I went to radiology for a more in depth ultrasound and they confirmed our fears. Their estimation was that the baby stopped developing at 14 weeks 1 day. After discussing with our doctors, we decided to deliver the baby the next day.
Jude Francis Jarding was born at 7:54 PM on Thursday, December 3rd. He weighed .8 ounces and was 5 inches long. He had all of his fingers and toes, fit in my hand and looked like a smaller version of the rest of my babies. It was incredible. I held him for awhile and then Mark held him. I watched him rock back and forth with him like I have seen him do with our three other kids a million times. Make no mistake. We had a baby. He may not have taken a breath in this world, but he was a baby.
The hospital did an incredible job of making us feel comfortable. They gave us the right amount of space and care. We had time to talk and time to grieve. They called a priest and he came to pray with us and gave a blessing to Jude. During the blessing, both of our doctors and the nurse prayed with us. They, just like us, believed that this was a life. This was a baby. This baby's short life has meaning.
This is my fifth pregnancy. Second miscarriage. My first miscarriage was earlier on in the pregnancy and we never got to meet that baby. Delivering Jude, naming him {St. Jude, patron saint of hope}, and meeting him gave us a lot of closure. We are hurting, but we are hopeful. I am not angry at God nor do I blame this on anyone. I have a peace about this. I know that God sees the bigger picture and I trust him. I have hugged my kids a little tighter since I've been home from the hospital. We are blessed. We have a great life and we are thankful for that. While I have a peace about this, my heart still physically hurts. Just like anything else I have grieved, I know this will come in waves. Some days it will hurt more than others. But I can't help but smile when I think about Mark's dad sitting up in heaven surrounded by these baby angels. He loved being a grandparent just about more than anything. He said he'd be waiting on a bench for Margaret, but the bench is getting pretty full! :)
Thank you friends and family for your prayers. We feel them. We know that is why we feel at peace. We know that is why our children who do not understand are starting to feel a peace about it, too. We are blessed by you and your love.
In early October, we found out we were pregnant. Just to answer a frequent question.....Yes, it was planned. Yes, we know that we already have three children 4 and under. Yes, we know our life is already crazy and we're moving to another state and Mark's changing jobs and on and on. We know. This pregnancy was planned just like the rest of our pregnancies.
This pregnancy started out just like the others....throwing up... A LOT and super tired. This is the sign of a healthy pregnancy for me and my doctors know that by now. :) So I puked my way through the first trimester and Mark picked up the slack at home. Despite all that, we were happy and excited to announce yet another pregnancy in our Christmas card. Christmas cards went out early this year because we are moving in a few short weeks.
On Wednesday, December 2, I went to a routine check up. The doctor and I were joking about me being so nauseous and he said I was measuring a bit ahead of my 15 week calculations. He informed me that those two things together are sometimes a sign of multiples and we laughed. He and his wife just had their fifth child and are open to more....so we've had conversations about how our views of children are a bit different than some of society....and the "you must be Catholic jokes". Yes, yes we are. :) He was struggling to find a heartbeat, which is not abnormal during my pregnancies because usually my placenta is towards the front, so I didn't think much of it. He brought in another doctor to do the ultrasound and as I was laying on the table I could tell something wasn't right. The doctor told me he was having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat and that he saw no fetal movement. He told me he was very afraid that my baby was dead. Mark and I went to radiology for a more in depth ultrasound and they confirmed our fears. Their estimation was that the baby stopped developing at 14 weeks 1 day. After discussing with our doctors, we decided to deliver the baby the next day.
Jude Francis Jarding was born at 7:54 PM on Thursday, December 3rd. He weighed .8 ounces and was 5 inches long. He had all of his fingers and toes, fit in my hand and looked like a smaller version of the rest of my babies. It was incredible. I held him for awhile and then Mark held him. I watched him rock back and forth with him like I have seen him do with our three other kids a million times. Make no mistake. We had a baby. He may not have taken a breath in this world, but he was a baby.
This is my fifth pregnancy. Second miscarriage. My first miscarriage was earlier on in the pregnancy and we never got to meet that baby. Delivering Jude, naming him {St. Jude, patron saint of hope}, and meeting him gave us a lot of closure. We are hurting, but we are hopeful. I am not angry at God nor do I blame this on anyone. I have a peace about this. I know that God sees the bigger picture and I trust him. I have hugged my kids a little tighter since I've been home from the hospital. We are blessed. We have a great life and we are thankful for that. While I have a peace about this, my heart still physically hurts. Just like anything else I have grieved, I know this will come in waves. Some days it will hurt more than others. But I can't help but smile when I think about Mark's dad sitting up in heaven surrounded by these baby angels. He loved being a grandparent just about more than anything. He said he'd be waiting on a bench for Margaret, but the bench is getting pretty full! :)
Thank you friends and family for your prayers. We feel them. We know that is why we feel at peace. We know that is why our children who do not understand are starting to feel a peace about it, too. We are blessed by you and your love.
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